Wednesday, March 31, 2010

First Appointment

We had our first appointment for our rainbow baby which so many of you are calling Turkey Tator Tot. Now you have us saying Turkey Tator Tot too! So much for deciding between Turkey OR Tator Tot. Hahaha.

Everything went well. It was just an inital question/answer sesion with a little blood work and stuff like that. We met with the midwife "L.C." She is the reason why I switched to that practice to begin with. I saw her do some deliveries while I was working in L&D and I just thought she was amazing. She has had several losses and was VERY understanding about all of my crazy fears I have right now. I'm going to have my first ultrasound on April 15th to try to see TTT's little heartbeat and to properly date our rainbow. She called me 5 weeks 2 days right now. Ryan and I think I am 4w6d but whatever. Then I'll have an ultrascreen between 11-13 weeks with Dr. Awesome, the high risk guy, to look @ the nuchal Translucency.

These fears are obnoxious. I'm back to not sleeping well just like after we lost Grace. It'll be nice to have some reassurance after our inital ultrasound. I just really really hope and pray that everything is ok in there. Like I've said before in my other blog, Kangaroos' have it so easy. They can just open their pouch and peek in on their little Joey's development. I wish I could do that too! I just have to be at peace with the fact  that things will turn out just as they are supposed to.

They gave me a bag of goodies with some sample prenatals and a pretty awesome magazine that has some awesome info and pix about fetal development. Fun!
Ryan said, "Those are the biggest pills I've ever seen! Are they trying to punish you!"   He was very bothered by these pills. HAHA. I've been taking prenatals for months and months but I'm going to take these DHA ones for the next 10 days during the critical neural tube development stage. They are quite large though. He felt the need to go get the ruler and show me how big they are...I didn't even know we owned a ruler.

The woman who poked me for my blood work almost got a punch to the face. I know, I'm a nurse, I'm annoying patient. At least I'm already aware of that, and I own it. I'm an annoying patient-yea, I know. Either way, I've been through this blood work thing before and I know where they are and are  not good veins. Did she listen to me- NO. Do I have a bruise the size of texas now  and an unnecessary second hole in my arm- YES. Damn her. I told her that we hopefully have 40 weeks together and we aren't going to be friends if she doesn't want to listen to me. Hmmmf.

Oh and why when they need to do a vag exam..and they have you undress from waist down, do they give you something about as big as a paper towel to cover your entire bottom half. Seriously? I needed about 4 of those to cover myself. I'm picture happy ya know..but not that picture happy. They'll be no pix of me , my shirt, and a paper towel skirt. Don't get me wrong, I did think about it.

Anyway, I have million pregnancy books that I have collected and by far my favorite one is called From the Hips by Rebecca Odes and Ceridwen Morris. Has anyone read it? It's got great advice and talks about the good, the bad, and the ugly of pregnancy.

Well, I think that's all the updates I have for now. Nothing too exciting. I'll take giant pills, get stuck with a needle as much as it takes, wear paper towel clothes, and throw up a million times. Anything for Turkey Tator Tot.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Turkey and Tater Tots

Welcome. To those of you who don't know me, let me fill you in a little. I'm just a regular person who lost my first precious baby, Grace Willow, 1*15*10 to Trisomy 18. I found blogging right after we lost her and have found a huge support system  with it.  Here I am again, making a new blog about our journey for our rainbow. We've been talking about trying for rainbow baby after I had my first AF after our loss. Like last time, the doctors told us it could take a few months to a year for my body to get adjusted but that pregnancy would happen when my body is ready.

I know my babylost mom buddies know what a rainbow baby is, but for those who don't, I found this on Susan's Blog :
"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

On Monday the 22nd I took a pregnancy test.  I got a BFN (big fat negative). It was day 29 of my cycle. Sometimes my cycles are 32 days but still, I got a BFP with Grace on day 28. I decided in my head it wasn't going to be this month.

The sore boobs, peeing all the time, feeling crampy... it must be because I was going to start AF any second. Right? It sure felt that way.

On Thursday the 25th, I got up hours earlier then I normally do and I had to pee. I was half asleep and noticed the wrapper and my BFN on the floor of the bathroom along with another unused test. I decided to pee on it. What can I say, I'm a compulsive pee-er. If it's in my house, I will pee on it. I peed on it, set it down and IMMEDIATLEY saw this :

Waaaaiiiit a minute. I rubbed my eyes and looked again:

Yep, that's a BFP!!!!
Holy crap batman! This is craziness. I took another one the next day and it was a BFP as well!
I'll be getting my ultrasounds with the Maternal Fetal Medicine people so that makes me feel good knowing that we will have some extra special care. Yea, I know, we're telling people early. It wouldn't have helped us last time to not tell people early. We were well out of the safe zone when we lost Grace.
To all my baby lost mom friends that have decided to follow my new journey with hearts that understand the journey I am already on, I am glad you are here. Thank you for being here despite the loss of your precious one. I am sensitive to your feelings, I have been there. I have seen the other BFP's  from other women and went through those emotions. However, I do feel a different sort of happiness for our BLM group that get BFP's because I feel that all of us deserve a rainbow after our storm. That goes out to infertility mama's too.
Based on my LMP, our Tater Tot would be due on: November 29, 2010  Based on when we believe conception was and my average cycle length, Tater Tot would be due on: December 2, 2010. We'll see after we go to the doctor. I'm excited that this baby will be due around Thanksgiving. We've been calling it our Turkey because of that. Well, we can't decide if we want to call it Turkey or Tater Tot. Yea, what a stupid dilema to be in. I'm happy with this dilema. We feel so blessed and happy to be pregnant.

I saw these tater tots in the store today and they made me smile. Yea, that's right, frozen potato things made me smile.
I'm really happy about our Turkey/Tater-Tot. On the other hand: I'm TERRIFIED. During our pregnancy with Grace, we were so blissfully happy. Nothing could go wrong. We loved every second of everything and nothing really worried me. I don't feel that now. I feel happiness, I feel the blissful happiness wanting to creep in but I won't let it. Every cramp, every twinge, every everything...It makes me so nervous.  I don't want anything to go wrong. I am desperate to bring home a healthy baby with this pregnancy. Please God let me bring home a healthy baby.

Our chances of having another baby with Trisomy 18 are 1% now. (Based on Grace's amnio)
That sounds like nothing. However, 1 % is a MUCH higher chance then we had before. With Grace and her twin, we hit odds of 0.05% of having a T-18 baby and having twins. 1% is huge to us now. Worrying doesn't help. It just doesn't. I just can't help it. I'm going to try to relax. I'm going to try to enjoy every single moment I have with this new ball of wonderfulness that I am currently growing. It's just easier said then done.

To feel a baby moving around inside of me is a wonderful thought. I have felt flutters before, I'm excited and nervous at the same time to feel them again. Imaginging the seconds after birth with a live baby crying on my chest are overwhelming. I've never been there. I've never felt that. I let myself imagine it for seconds at a time here and there and it's absolutley beautiful and amazing to think about.

Every and all prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated for our Turkey Tot.