Saturday, March 27, 2010

Turkey and Tater Tots

Welcome. To those of you who don't know me, let me fill you in a little. I'm just a regular person who lost my first precious baby, Grace Willow, 1*15*10 to Trisomy 18. I found blogging right after we lost her and have found a huge support system  with it.  Here I am again, making a new blog about our journey for our rainbow. We've been talking about trying for rainbow baby after I had my first AF after our loss. Like last time, the doctors told us it could take a few months to a year for my body to get adjusted but that pregnancy would happen when my body is ready.

I know my babylost mom buddies know what a rainbow baby is, but for those who don't, I found this on Susan's Blog :
"It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope."

On Monday the 22nd I took a pregnancy test.  I got a BFN (big fat negative). It was day 29 of my cycle. Sometimes my cycles are 32 days but still, I got a BFP with Grace on day 28. I decided in my head it wasn't going to be this month.

The sore boobs, peeing all the time, feeling crampy... it must be because I was going to start AF any second. Right? It sure felt that way.

On Thursday the 25th, I got up hours earlier then I normally do and I had to pee. I was half asleep and noticed the wrapper and my BFN on the floor of the bathroom along with another unused test. I decided to pee on it. What can I say, I'm a compulsive pee-er. If it's in my house, I will pee on it. I peed on it, set it down and IMMEDIATLEY saw this :

Waaaaiiiit a minute. I rubbed my eyes and looked again:

Yep, that's a BFP!!!!
Holy crap batman! This is craziness. I took another one the next day and it was a BFP as well!
I'll be getting my ultrasounds with the Maternal Fetal Medicine people so that makes me feel good knowing that we will have some extra special care. Yea, I know, we're telling people early. It wouldn't have helped us last time to not tell people early. We were well out of the safe zone when we lost Grace.
To all my baby lost mom friends that have decided to follow my new journey with hearts that understand the journey I am already on, I am glad you are here. Thank you for being here despite the loss of your precious one. I am sensitive to your feelings, I have been there. I have seen the other BFP's  from other women and went through those emotions. However, I do feel a different sort of happiness for our BLM group that get BFP's because I feel that all of us deserve a rainbow after our storm. That goes out to infertility mama's too.
Based on my LMP, our Tater Tot would be due on: November 29, 2010  Based on when we believe conception was and my average cycle length, Tater Tot would be due on: December 2, 2010. We'll see after we go to the doctor. I'm excited that this baby will be due around Thanksgiving. We've been calling it our Turkey because of that. Well, we can't decide if we want to call it Turkey or Tater Tot. Yea, what a stupid dilema to be in. I'm happy with this dilema. We feel so blessed and happy to be pregnant.

I saw these tater tots in the store today and they made me smile. Yea, that's right, frozen potato things made me smile.
I'm really happy about our Turkey/Tater-Tot. On the other hand: I'm TERRIFIED. During our pregnancy with Grace, we were so blissfully happy. Nothing could go wrong. We loved every second of everything and nothing really worried me. I don't feel that now. I feel happiness, I feel the blissful happiness wanting to creep in but I won't let it. Every cramp, every twinge, every everything...It makes me so nervous.  I don't want anything to go wrong. I am desperate to bring home a healthy baby with this pregnancy. Please God let me bring home a healthy baby.

Our chances of having another baby with Trisomy 18 are 1% now. (Based on Grace's amnio)
That sounds like nothing. However, 1 % is a MUCH higher chance then we had before. With Grace and her twin, we hit odds of 0.05% of having a T-18 baby and having twins. 1% is huge to us now. Worrying doesn't help. It just doesn't. I just can't help it. I'm going to try to relax. I'm going to try to enjoy every single moment I have with this new ball of wonderfulness that I am currently growing. It's just easier said then done.

To feel a baby moving around inside of me is a wonderful thought. I have felt flutters before, I'm excited and nervous at the same time to feel them again. Imaginging the seconds after birth with a live baby crying on my chest are overwhelming. I've never been there. I've never felt that. I let myself imagine it for seconds at a time here and there and it's absolutley beautiful and amazing to think about.

Every and all prayers and positive thoughts are much appreciated for our Turkey Tot.


  1. Congratulations! Wishing you much peace on this journey.

  2. megan ~ i'm going to follow your journey on this new blog as long as i can stand it emotinoally. it's strange i have very mixed emotions about babylost mamas expecting rainbow babies, as i will never have one. part of me is ecstatic for you (especially those of you who lost your first baby)and part of me is wallowing in my own misery that i will never have a rainbow baby. i am happy for you, today, love you. ~ michelle hs

  3. Megan I am so thrilled for you. I ahve every single emotion going on with me as you have. Its so scary yet so exciting at the same time. That rainbow thing is so true....this baby is your rainbow after the storm...and has an AMAZING guardian angel to watch over him/her. Every single time I think about the day we find out the gender...or when this baby is born, I tear up..I cant help it. I know I have had 3 babies....and yes Xavier cried and I had him for 4 days...its all still bittersweet. After losing Xavier...I cant even imagine the feeling thats going to go through me..and all the emotions, when I hear this baby cry for the first time, see him/her for the first time...and just KNOW that everything will be ok. That I wont have to worry about losing sleep...thinking the worse will happen if I accidently fall asleep. We are in this together...being pregnant together ;) love you and Im here if you want to talk!

  4. I love, love, love his nickname. Makes me hungry, though. I need tater tots, now. :) I'm so happy for you Megan! xoxo

  5. Congrats on your turkey tot.

    That's what I've decided to name it. Because, you know, I have that right to make that decision. :b

    Welcome to a great, but scary ride.

    And I'm happy to read you pee on sticks all the time. I bought a 25 pack from ebay & used them ALL the first cycle. Mind you, I didn't get a 2nd line until like test 21. But I was taking them 5 days before my period was due, a few times a day, until that 2nd line popped up. I was ashamed that I wasn't pregnant & would have to order 25 more test for the next month. Good to know there are other obsessive pee people out there.

  6. Megan, I am so hopeful, happy and very excited for you!! It's wonderful news! If you have the baby on Dec. 2nd... we'll share a birthday! :) Anyway, can't tell you how happy I am for you & looking forward to following you on this journey with your little tater tot! (((HUGS)))

  7. I haven't heard of the term rainbow baby before , and thought wow that's a perfect way to describe it. I understand your anxiety during this pregnancy. Sometimes I have a hard time enjoying the little flutters which have now become kicks, and before each appt I have this thought in my mind ''will this be the day I get the bad news''. The feelings for me are bittersweet I am totally in love with this baby but I also miss having these feelings with our angel baby Allison.. I am so excited to be able to follow you on this journey and share the good and bad times ..congrats again by the way

  8. Oh, Megan... so exciting!

    PS In case it comes down to a vote... mine is Turkey Tot! (Best of both worlds!)